In which I have walls but no door through them

My neuroses are no secret. I'm passive-aggressive, quick to over analyze, rarely ever practice what I preach and I'm mopey, among other things. So as I write this, I'm just laying here and have a collection of anime music playing, because it's all I ever download for whatever reason. Sometimes I wonder, would I have ever been able to guess that I'd hit 24 years old and be the person I am right now?

(I would not have)

To be perfectly honest, I feel like the way my life is at the moment is a sentence for some crime I'd committed and may not remember. I wouldn't call myself anti social, but honestly, what other term might there be for me? I genuinely, generally get no satisfaction out of leaving the house unless for the necessary reasons (work, laundry, food shopping, occasionally going to buy a video game or two) and only those reasons. Otherwise I'm indoors, online, door shut. Put shortly, I don't like to be bothered. Seriously, I don't. I barely use my phone for other than texting and even then it's only a select few people, whom I want to hear from on an irregular basis. But wait!
Where's the classic awkward counter to this, Mike, you ask?

Simple. I'm a voracious flirt. I live off it. If the amount I flirted could be condensed into a liquid, I would be able to bathe in it. Not that the girls I flirt with would give me the time of day, though. Because what girl would put up with a mopey, passive-aggressive, self-deprecating kind of guy like myself?

(Not any I know)

That said, things just circle back to my own mopey feeling, day to day. Really I'm surprised I'm not in therapy or on medication to cope with this because it has got to be some sort of disorder, I know it. If it isn't, here's me invoking Quantum Disorder Mechanics, and having just brought the disorder to reality by speaking it aloud. Brace for medication ads for this problem.

In which I am not happy

...You know what? I'm not happy. For all the talk and the thought and the attempts at positivity in a day to day setting, I'm not happy. I'm just...not. I don't know why, I don't know when it started or where the downturn happened to make me unhappy. I'm just not happy. Unfortunately for me, being the pack rat of thoughts that I am, the only thing I do happen to know are points I'm unhappy about. And because I know that no one reads this an it's largely just a way to get things off my chest, I can essentially just get them out and never worry about anyone knowing. Not having a following online ftw. In no particular order, but in slight detail, things I'm unhappy about.
I'm unhappy that I can't ever seem to catch a break, much like a lot of folk. I'm unhappy that my local McDonald's didn't do the fucking Shamrock Shakes on St. Patty's Day. I'm unhappy that I lost my motivation to write, completely and utterly. I'm unhappy I eat like a god damned horse and can't put on the weight I want to gain. I'm unhappy Little Debbie stopped making Tiger Cakes years ago, but now we have Chocolate Zebra Cakes (not that I disapprove of their deliciousness, mind you). I'm unhappy that I can casually converse with girls with no problem but the rare moments I do flirt, it just sinks below the radar. I'm unhappy that I'm perpetually in the friend zone. I'm unhappy that there's no Sonic or Chik-Fil-A close to me. I'm fucking livid that I'll be 24 in two months now, I'm still a virgin and friends younger than me have moderate sex lives. I'm unhappy that I don't have anywhere near all the tech that I want. I'm unhappy that today's youth is so poorly versed in pop culture - learn what the fuck a cover song is before you get angry at Scary Kids Scaring Kids for "stealing" a Notorious B.I.G/Bone Thugs-N-Harmony song. Fucking idiots. Fuck it, I'm unhappy that I am unhappy. Goodnight.

In which I have nothing better to do

So, there's this website where I spend all my time geeking out. It's called Gaiaonline, and for those who have heard of it, you may know how addicting it is. If you don't know, go check it out, I need to get more people hooked on it than just myself. I'm a bad influence that way. 8D Anyhowdydo, I really have nothing to say this post, but felt like sharing my time consumer. If anyone reads this and does decide to join Gaia, I'll feel more awesome because of it; I'm already close to MAX awesomeness as is.

In which I rant and rave

First, let's let go of that deep breath. There. Now, Monday. morning. Ugh. Cannot stand Monday morning. A lot to do and too much time unused between doing them all, someway or another. I have to make a bank withdrawal today, as my cell phone bill is to be paid. Laundry needs to be done, floor vacuumed. A spontaneous rearranging of my scant collection of VHS tapes and DVDs is in the cards. Oh yes, let's not forgt the sink full of dirty dishes that I'm to wash, because, apparently, my grandmother has conveniently come up unable to do so. This is the norm lately; I stay in my bedroom, out of sight and largely out of mind, and in the off moment that I do come out of the room, for say, something to drink, the first thing I see is a sinkful of dishes. Meanwhile, my grandmother is on the sofa in the living room, watching the same rerun of Law & Order that she's seen a thousand times but doesn't remember because she's 64 and spends all her own off time worrying and complaining about what everyone else isn't doing. And then there's the fact that the garbage can was emptied, but there was no replacement bag in the can until I put one in. Meaning I've got the job of hauling a huge bag of trash down some stairs tonight, when it doesn't even get picked up until the morning. I really, really, really, REALLY hate to say it but, FML.

In which I rediscover a classic

Today, 02/28/1o, I began watching Robotech: The Macross Saga on youtube. This series started one year before I arrived, i.e. it began in '85. Being the kind of anime viewer I am, I occasionally like to go and jump into a show I've either not seen from the start, had never heard of, or not seem all of. Robotech is the former. Of it's 36 episodes, I'd only ever seen about the last 9 or so, which meant there was a big gap left to be filled by the rest of the series. Granted, the impetus to watch Robotech came from my enjoyment of giant robot shows in general, but under that, it was owning and playing the Robotech: Battlecry game that put the idea in my head. So, this morning I leaped onto youtube, did a quick search and found thankfully, that MANGA Entertainment had uploaded each episode of the show, as well as each episode of Robotech: The Masters and Robotech: The Next Generation. Well, I know what my weekends will be made up of now.

In which I spend tonight in my own head

So it seems to me that I've been thinking more tonight than I usually do. The thoughts come scattered and on a variety of subjects, ranging from my wanting a sandwich, to momentary wallowing in self-doubt. It's common that this process happens, but it feels like my head has been more occupied by me tonight than any other night thus far in the week. Not sure really, in regards to why, nor will I probably ever figure it out. I guess it's just nice to be getting this particular strand of random down someplace. I'm spending the evening listening to Daft Punk's "Discovery" album as I write this, and it brings up another thought: I remember watching four of the videos for songs on this album, on the old Cartoon Network Toonami block, and I miss it. I really do. Television is a big part of my life, and Toonami was a very large part of that time spent growing up with something to watch. It was there, like a friend, for nearly 12 years prior to being canceled, and it was a big shock to find it gone. Still is, really. Thinking about it from a different view, some might say that seems a bit sad to have considered it such. To that, I say that it was in the delivery of the thing. Oh well, move that aside, make room for another thought. Admittedly, I spend so much time thinking because I'm lonely to some extent. Friendships are hard for me, because the things I enjoy doing tend to be all I want to do, and clearly, friendships don't run that way. On a night like tonight, I'm found to be more content doing something like what I am now: parking myself on the internet, or playing Xbox 360. I don't drive yet, which rules out any plan to go out and meet people. Hell, even if I did, meeting people is awkward for me. 'What's the right thing to say? The wrong thing? Do I look okay? Stop rambling, make a point, wrap it up,' etc. All in all, once I figure myself out, you, citizens of the web, will be among the first to know.